Cornfused: Minute Corn Divides America

This story was originally posted Sept. 7, 2016 online. My co-editor Brad and I wrote it promptly after finding a bag of “microwavable corn” in the back of a closet in the journalism room, which I realize doesn’t sound impressive or news-worthy, but it was a fun write, and I don’t get the chance to do humor often. 

Minute Corn is capitalism at its worst.

When I say “Minute Corn,” you’re probably picturing its carbohydrate counterpart, “Minute Rice,” which suggests something like a small side in a microwavable bag.

That is not Minute Corn.

Minute Corn is literally just husked corn in a vacuum-sealed bag. Like, that’s it. The same corn you could have bought from a produce bin, but wrapped up in plastic.

The packaging promised a health food from the future–the sort of future that promises beef jerky that won’t kill you and actually edible Hot Pockets. The brand is “So Natural,” because there’s nothing more natural than compressed plastic enveloping what would otherwise be a totally normal vegetable.

Here’s what it tasted like: hot corn.

Because that’s ALL IT WAS.

Honestly, I’m just so annoyed that Minute Corn even exists. I just don’t understand why. If you want hot corn so badly, just buy yourself some corn and stick it in the microwave. Don’t let somebody package and sell it to you.

Come on, America.

-@julia_nall

Expert Kale Eater

You are probably asking yourself if this highly-esteemed Minute Corn is as amazing as Julia Nall, master of the taste bud, leads you to believe. I am here to say that it is even better than that!

After you spend five or so minutes getting the two large cobs out of the plastic bag and let the lukewarm corn juices pour over your hands to moisturize your skin, it is then you will realize what a wondrous journey you are about to embark upon.

After a measly two minutes in the microwave, the cobs are ready to enjoy, and believe me, after the delicious scent of the world’s most delicious steaming vegetable hits your nostrils, your mouth will surely be watering.

You could butter your corn, or drown it in salt, but inhaling it with no extra seasoning is corn at its finest. When you take your first bite, the authentic taste will bless your mouth like manna falling from the sky,  and the fun-sized pieces of heaven will move effortlessly through your body and into your tummy.

About two-thirds into the cob of the century, you will begin to think yourself not worthy to devour the King of All Corn. So, the logical decision is to throw that chunk of antioxidants into the trash to never see it again, and enjoy the lingering aftertaste that will frolic in the back of your throat for hours.

You go, America.

-@bradthepsychic,

Professional Food Connoisseur

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